broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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