I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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