Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
