Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
