worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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