addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
