girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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