My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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