In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Randomize
