Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
