Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
