I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
