If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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