We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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