In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
