I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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