I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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