some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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