The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
