I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
