I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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