My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
