I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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