Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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