Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
