is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
