I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
