I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she told me i tasted like america
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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