Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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