she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
