just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
