I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
