Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
