I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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