They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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