Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My vagina just recognized that song.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
