He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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