Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
