you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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