He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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