I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
