I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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