My friends, they love my intelligence
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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