even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
