mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
