I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
