I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
