I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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