Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
