help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
