i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
