sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
