So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
