he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
